Wahren Alban Danah is my birth name, but you know me as someone else. I am a Washington insider whose work makes your life more consumable. Each day I labor against the forces of family, God and individuality to create a Utopia of assimilation with peace on earth for all. So let it be printed.
My history is of little consequence since we are all just cogs and commodities in the global ecumenical corporation – marked, signed, sealed and delivered to the holder of true light. The only value may lay in the lessons that I learned growing up Wahabi, son of Khaka-een Alban Danah in the upper class hills of Jalalabad. My father, a successful child labor owner, lost his business and his life when our Soviet leaders were exiled from Afghanistan. My mother, Tupor Faraban Danah was forced to go back to working in the traveling camel and snake shows.
I was sold to Tarbash the Limbless, a journeyman minesweep who took me on as his apprentice. Those were the happiest times I had known. Each day we marched for miles in the footsteps of great unifiers like Alexander and Genghis across Asia’s vast plains. At night we would bed amongst the sheep who warmed our bodies under the endless stars. Tarbash would sing to me and stir the livestock to chorus with his gentle touch.
Despite its reputation, the art of minesweeping is the greatest feat a child can undertake. It teaches dexterity, fitness, discipline and agility while culling the herd of those too weak. To be one with nature, walking the tightrope of death and life with each step, is how true leaders are forged. (As I will discuss later, we are finalizing the details of a compulsory post-kindergarten service for young miners!)
While Tarbash was a warm man and a fine teacher, he was no leader. A freak accident, perhaps caused by my substitution of fermented sheep’s milk in his coffee, left him immobile – a death sentence for nomads. His final lesson was in the glory of euthanasia, which I aced thanks to his trusty walking stick. And after removing his teeth and vital organs for sale I recycled his corpse in the manner I *believed* he wished (a translator of his toothless and agonized patois could not be found in time) by feeding him to the livestock who had given him such joy.
It was around then that I converted to Judaism and, using the money I raised from selling Tarbash and his herd, I moved to Massachusetts. Because of America’s friendly borders I entered easily and was welcomed with open arms at Harvard University – my religion and father’s CIA connections offset my lack of transcript or SAT score.
In school, I studied government and homosexuality from world-renowned experts. I was but a bud before back-dooring into Cambridge but there my bud blossomed. It was soon after becoming an active sodomite that I began my exploration of Satanism. This was a wonderful age of discovery for me. I met and experimented with many friends who are now world leaders. By day we would enhance the local water supply with LSD. By night we would tempt local clergy into confessionals.
Finally, during my senior year, I was invited to peer behind the emerald curtain and my eyes were forever opened. The mask and torch were passed, the bonds consecrated. I gave up my old name and took on the one you know today.
Not long after that, I joined my brothers and sisters in Washington, working in a clandestine branch of Intelligence that you have never heard of. I was assigned to the Distraction Department, Anti-Family Division. Over the next few years we began working on top secret projects of attention dispersal. The idea being if people are distracted by amusing diversions they will have less time to socialize. A reduction in social capital and a breakdown of the family unit through a gradual, seemingly innocuous increase in stimuli and variety of stimuli was undertaken. Citizens are children and children do not always know what is best for them. It is our job, as their true parents, to guide them.
Other departments, like Obesity and Bankruptcy worked under similar models veiled by our omnipotent savior, Capitalism. Choice is freedom and freedom is choice. More choice is freer choice. Free markets, free elections, Free Willy. “Free” is the ultimate four-letter word, and you couldn’t get enough of it.
For years before my arrival in Distraction, the number of TV channels had been growing at a Fibinacci derivative rate our quant girls cooked up in the 60s. The computer and internet, however, put everything into hyperdrive. My first contribution came from the heart and solidified my reputation. It was an homage to Tarbash, a silly little game that I named simply – Minesweeper. It caught on like the plague and soon the whole world was lying with me — sheep under the Persian stars.
With people hooked on television and hooked into the unblinking WorldWide eye, my campaign focus shifted to tolerance manipulation. Specifically, I headed up a covert group tasked with raising the tolerance for deviance in music and TV. In a now famous memo, I postulated that if we could embarrass our enemy – Family Values – we could bring it down. “Mock first, hate later” was the directive. Remember Murphy Brown, The Simpsons, Married With Children? That was us. So was Gangsta Rap, Goth/Emo culture, and Beavis and Butthead.
Later we pushed forward a more homoerotic agenda with Ricky Martin, boy bands, Brokeback Mountain. Of course, our two most classified projects — Telly Tubbies and Harry Potter — have been our most successful. While some resisted, we have agents on both sides, most citizens fell into line, assuming their gay conversion to be “progressive” and “open-minded” thanks to the engineers of our PC guilt campaign – a project I was only loosely associated with. If it looks like a change of heart and smells like a change of heart, you’d have to be a conspiracy nut to believe otherwise, right?
Did Family Values become a joke because we convinced you or because you changed your mind? Debate that and you will miss what really mattered. We managed, in only 25 years, to destroy that cancer which had been building up for the last 5,000– the family itself. That you may find my words hard to swallow is both irrelevant and complimentary. As you will learn, our ends justify your means. And of course, obedient children are often the best advocates to help the naughty ones see the light, and now it is shining.
You will soon learn how, through our control of the media, the Government, the food supply and the banks, our goal of indoctrinating the world to our Truth by 2012 is within sight. And with our five-point network lock on everything that goes in and comes out of you complete, the torture you know will soon be gone. As I will reveal here, the greatest chapter in the history of man is now upon us. My job is to welcome you to the New World Order. Resistance is futile but not frowned upon. We know who you are either way ;).